I don't own my child's body
http://edition.cnn.com/2012/06/20/living/give-grandma-hug-child/index.html
I don't own my child's body
June 21, 2012 -- Updated 0109 GMT (0909 HKT)
Some experts advise parents not to make their children hug and kiss relatives, so children will feel in control of their bodies.
STORY HIGHLIGHTS
- Katia Hetter does not tell her daughter she must hug or kiss visiting relatives
- The Sandusky case solidified her resolve to let her child make choices about her own body
- A personal safety expert agrees that children shouldn't be compelled to touch anyone
Editor's note: Katia Hetter is a travel writer for CNN. She also covers parenting and relationship issues.
(CNN) -- My daughter occasionally goes on a hugging and kissing strike.
She's 4. Her parents could get a hug or a kiss, but many people who know her cannot, at least right now. And I won't make her.
"I would like you to hug Grandma, but I won't make you do it," I told her recently.
"I don't have to?" she asked, cuddling up to me at bedtime, confirming the facts to be sure.
No, she doesn't have to.
And just to be clear, there is no passive-aggressive, conditional,
manipulative nonsense behind my statement. I mean what I say. She
doesn't have to hug or kiss anyone just because I say so, not even me. I
will not override my own child's currently strong instincts to back off
from touching someone who she chooses not to touch.
I figure her body is actually hers, not mine.
It doesn't belong to her
parents, preschool teacher, dance teacher or soccer coach. While she
must treat people with respect, she doesn't have to offer physical
affection to please them. And the earlier she learns ownership of
herself and responsibility for her body, the better for her.
The trial of Jerry
Sandusky, the former Penn State football coach accused of sexually
abusing young boys, has only strengthened my resolve to teach my kid
that it's OK to say no to an adult who lays a hand on her -- even a
seemingly friendly hand.
"When we force children
to submit to unwanted affection in order not to offend a relative or
hurt a friend's feelings, we teach them that their bodies do not really
belong to them because they have to push aside their own feelings about
what feels right to them," said Irene van der Zande, co-founder and
executive director of Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International,
a nonprofit specializing in teaching personal safety and violence
prevention. "This leads to children getting sexually abused, teen girls
submitting to sexual behavior so 'he'll like me' and kids enduring
bullying because everyone is 'having fun.' "
Protection against predators
Forcing children to
touch people when they don't want to leaves them vulnerable to sexual
abusers, most of whom are people known to the children they abuse,
according to Ursula Wagner, a mental health clinician with the
FamilyWorks program at Heartland Alliance in Chicago. None of the child
victims of sexual abuse or assault she's counseled was attacked by
strangers, she said.
Sometimes a child picks
up on something odd about your brother-in-law that no one knows. It may
not be that he's a sexual predator. He may just have no sense of
boundaries or tickle too much, which can be torture for a person who
doesn't like it. Or he may be a predator.
"It sends a message that
there are certain situations [when] it's not up to them what they do
with their bodies," said Wagner. "If they are obligated to be
affectionate even if they don't want to, it makes them vulnerable to
sexual abuse later on."
Why wait until there's trouble? Parenting coach
Sharon Silver worked hard to cultivate her children's detector. Silver
says her sons easily pick up on subtle clues that suggest something
isn't quite right about particular people or situations.
In your child's case, it may be that something's off about Aunt Linda or the music teacher down the street.
"It's something inside
of you that tells you when something is wrong," said Silver. Training
your child to pay attention to those instincts may protect him or her in
the future.
Having sex to please someone else
Would you want your
daughter to have sex with her boyfriend simply to make him happy?
Parents who justify ordering their children to kiss grandma might say,
"It's different."
No, it's not, according to author Jennifer Lehr, who blogs about her parenting style.
Ordering children to kiss or hug an adult they don't want to touch
teaches them to use their body to please you or someone else in
authority or, really, anyone.
"The message a child
gets is that not only is another person's emotional state their
responsibility but that they must also sacrifice their own bodies to
buoy another's ego or satisfy their desire for love or affection," said
Lehr.
"Certainly no parent
would wish for their teenager or adult child to feel pressure to
reciprocate unwanted sexual advances, yet many teach their children at a
young age that it's their job to use their bodies to make others
happy," she said.
We can't be rude
You might think my
daughter's shiftless parents are not teaching her manners, but that's
not true. She will shake your hand in greeting or give you a high-five
when we're saying goodbye. She knows how to set the table and place a
napkin in her lap. She even has me saying a little all-inclusive
blessing she brought home from school.
We've trained her to say
please and thank you so often that she'll say it back to me when I ask
her anything. "What did you say?" I sometimes ask her when I didn't hear
her. "Please?" she'll answer. No, I meant what did she actually say?
(Maybe we're overdoing it.)
She has to be polite
when greeting people, whether she knows them or not. When family and
friends greet us, I give her the option of "a hug or a high-five." Since
she's been watching adults greet each other with a handshake, she
sometimes offers that option. We talk about high-fives so often she's
started using them to meet anyone, which can make the start of any
social occasion look like a touchdown celebration.
"When kids are really
little and shy, parents can start to offer them choices for treating
people with respect and care," said van der Zande. "By age 6 or 7, even
shy kids can shake somebody's hand or wave or do something to
communicate respect and care. Manners -- treating people with respect
and care -- is different than demanding physical displays of affection."
It creates more work
Refusing to order her to
hand out hugs or kisses on demand means there's more work to keep the
relationships going and keep feelings from being hurt. Most of our
extended family live far away, so it's my job to teach my kiddo about
people she doesn't see on a daily basis.
We make sure to keep in
contact with calls and Skype and presents. In advance of loved ones'
visits, which usually means an all-day plane ride, I talk a lot about
how we're related to our guests, what they mean to me and what we're
going to do when they arrive. I give them plenty of opportunity to
interact with her so she can learn to trust them.
I explain to relatives
who want to know why we're letting her decide who she touches. And when
she does hug them, the joy is palpable. Not from obligation or a direct
order from Mom.
And while I hope I'm
teaching my child how to take care of herself in the future, there are
benefits to allowing her to express affection in her own way and on her
own timeline. When my child cuddled up to my mother on the sofa
recently, happily talking to her about stories and socks and toes and
other things, my mother's face lit up. She knew it was real.
Did your parents make
you hug and kiss relatives? Are your kids required to give grandma a
hug? Share your experience in the comments section below.
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